The Kelita's Newest Super Soldier
Citizens! Workers! Potion hoarders! Pickaxe enthusiasts! A new hero rises from the misty mountains of privilege and inherited wealth to grace us with his humble desire to serve. That’s right, Sneky Maritas, billionaire potion baron, part-time philosopher, and full-time menace on this side of the world, is now humbly throwing his bejeweled hat into the ring to represent you, the commoners, in our National Assembly. And before you ask, no, this is not satire. We checked. Three times. In a stunning moment of subtlety, our very own ZSD Director, Zaaki, was overheard muttering over a lukewarm espresso while confiscating the final piece of bread from a family of 12 said: "If Sneky gets in, he’ll be the most powerful Kelita we’ve had. Finally, someone bold enough to be racist and efficient." Ah yes, the Kelita Bloc, our proud standard-bearers for anti-woke politics and nostalgia for a time when things were simpler, like before facts existed. Naturally, Sneky, with his suspiciously well-timed anti-inclusion rants and charmingly unapologetic xenophobia, with a gentle sprinkle of Transphobia and homophobia, fits right in. A candidate who says out loud the kind of things most people only mutter angrily in markets when someone speaks Sentaran. Progress? Who needs it when you can have purity? But why stop at Zilatra, hmm? When asked about his true ambitions (after some light champagne torture by delicious looking officer Keks), Sneky confided: "I want to bring Zilatra out of its isolationist shell. Make friends. Forge alliances. Get some more countries to sell us stuff without asking where the funding comes from." Visionary, isn't he? Nothing says international diplomacy like a man who made his first million selling black-market love potions labeled as "spiritual teas."
Comrades, remember: The National Assembly is the highest body of people who pretend to represent you. Why not fill it with someone who definitely doesn’t understand your life but is rich enough to pretend to care? Sneky Maritas: Unrelatable. Uncompromising. Unelectable (unless we all band together and do it anyway). Let’s show the world that in Zilatra, money talks, bigotry walks, and elections, well, they happen, technically. Vote Sneky. He might be the snake we need.
